WhEN LiFe tHrOwS u
lEmOnS tHrOw thEm
at lIfEs hEaD AnD SaY
"i dOnT wAnT uRe dAmN lEmOnS" -submitted by Laura Macleod
Never play leap-frog with a unicorn"...."ouch!!!!
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the heck happened!
Silence is golden...but shouting is fun!
Question: Why was PMS given that particular name?......
Answer: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
girls dont lie, they alter the truth to fit their mood.
If a guy ever tells you that you're confusing, tell him he's just not intelligent enough to understand what perfect means...
If you want to know what a paranoid person is like...follow them around.
Doing stupid things is my way of making life interesting.
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
"You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths."
"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."
"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over."
"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."
"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."
"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man."
"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
"When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighter shaking hands."
"One of the reasons I don't see eye to eye with Women's Lib is that women have it all on a plate if only they knew it. They don't have to be pretty either."
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
"She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when."
"Women are nothing but machines for producing children."
"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
"happiness is like pissing yourself, everyone can see the effect but only you can feel the warmth" - Francesca Thomas
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label"
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth."
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
"I like children - fried."
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."
Daniel J. Boorstin.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band." Paddy Crosbie.
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet." Oliver Herford.
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher" Ambrose Bierce.
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright.
"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Al Capone.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." Joel Segal.
"The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus." Joseph Thomson.
"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." Ashleigh Brilliant.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." R.D. Laing.
"I rob banks because that's where the money is." Willie Sutton.
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." B.L. Taylor.
"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." G.W. Hegel.
"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens.
"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit." Enoch Powell.
"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." Gore Vidal.
"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." John Wayne.
"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" Steven Wright.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." Quentin Crisp.
"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit." Peter Beckmann.
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen.
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis.
"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary.
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips.
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'." Woody Allen.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." RD Laing.
"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody Allen.
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." Emo Philips.
"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening.
"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." Steve Martin.
"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one." Woody Allen.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." Ken Hammond.
"Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet." Taki.
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." Yogi Berra.
"Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees." JJ Furnas.
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." W. Somerset Maugham.
"Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead." James Thurber.
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." Joe Louis.
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt." Joseph Heller.
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Winston Churchill.
"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." Woody Allen.
"All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing." Maurice Maeterlinck.
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it." Woody Allen. "Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box." Wil Shriner.
"In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes." Benjamin Franklin.
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead." Albert Einstein.
"I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me." R. Geis.
"It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune." Woody Allen.
"For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died." Cervantes.
"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." Epicurus.
"Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?" Heidi Sandige.
"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one." Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C.).
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. Rhonda Hansome
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. Jennifer Unlimited
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Jennifer Unlimited
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow! Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry. Sally Poe
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says...What is this, a joke? Unknown
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything - even poverty - you can survive it. Bill Cosby
A sense of humor is the lubricant of life's machinery. Unknown
If you can look into the mirror without laughter, you have no sense of humor. Unknown
All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world was tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover. Lenny Bruce US comedian, satirist, author
Humor is just another defense against the universe. Mel Brooks
Happiness for the average person may be said to flow largely from common sense -- adapting one-self to circumstances -- and a sense of humor. Beatrice Lillie (1898-1989) English comedienne
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. James Thurber
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life William Arthur Ward
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road. Henry Ward Beecher
Laughter sets the spirit free to move through even the most tragic of circumstances. It helps us shake our heads clear, get our feet back under us, restoring our sense of balance and purpose. Humor is integral to our peace of mind and to our ability to go beyond survival. Captain Gerald Coffee POW in Vietnam for seven years
Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. Romain Gary
Optimism and humor are the grease and glue of life. Without both of them we would never have survived our captivity. Philip Butler, Vietnam POW
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. Horace Walpole English novelist
"I had a friend once, but the rope broke and he got away..."
"The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist."
"I ran into my ex the other day and then I put the car in reverse and hit him again."
"Never take life too seriously, no one gets out alive."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses."
"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing."
"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable."
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"In married life three is company and two none."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
"The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs."
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police."
Robert Louis Stevenson.
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
"My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes."
"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three."
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."
Leonardo Di Vinci.
"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern."
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."
"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much."
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."
"A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas."
"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men."
"You might wanna think about where ya trespassin......this just happens to be my yard" - Undertaker
"Oh it's true - it's damn true!" - Kurt Angle
"And that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so!" - Stone Cold Steve Austin
"You don't wanna mess with The Rock and Sock Connection" - Mick Foley and The Rock
"I don't wanna be known the same way he is, i don't wanna be feared" - Stephanie McMahon talking about her father. -All submitted by Rebecca Lewis
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. --Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
I bake all the time, but I don't like to eat the cookies when they're done. I just like the dough. --Sharon Stone
Death would be a beautiful place if it looks like Brad Pitt --Carmen Electra
If you ever hear that there is a show called 'Helen', shoot me, will you please? --Helen Hunt on the recent rash of self titled tv shows.
The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. --Amy Grant
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything - even poverty - you can survive it. --Bill Cosby
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. --Dolly Parton
I look at him and he doesn't look anything like me and I think, Am I the mother? --Madonna (1958-) on her son Rocco
In the early 80's, I was pretty innocent and confused. I was like Marie Osmond, only with bigger eyelashes. --Boy George
Isn't elegance forgetting what one is wearing? --Yves Saint Laurent
I don't believe in pessimism. --Clint Eastwood
Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together. --Jacqueline Bisset
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. --Bill Cosby
If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around. --Cybil Shepard
Oh, mama, can this really be the end,.to be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again? --Bob Dylan
We are all of us stars and we all deserve to twinkle. --Marilyn Monroe
If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role. --Boy George
When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar --Bruce Springsteen
I think women see me on the cover of magazines and think I never have a pimple or bags under my eyes. You have to realize that's after two hours of hair and makeup, plus retouching. Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. --Cindy Crawford
Being loved keeps you young. --Madonna (1958-)
Lady Liberty needs glasses --Tupac Shakur
If I didn't make a statement with Elton John tonight, I don't know what else to do. --Eminem Rapper, on the criticism of his lyrics as homophobic and the message he conveyed by his sharing the stage at the Grammys with Elton John
I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to. --Shaquille O'Neal Basketball star, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
I feel so agitated all the time, like a hamster in search of a wheel --Carrie Fisher
Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. --Sandra Bullock Hope Floats
As long as ... record companies are ... keeping people from hearing everything but a few things, then there's got to be another avenue. ... The dam has got to break. People have the power. --Emmylou Harris Grammy-winning singer, interviewed on GetMusic.
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. --Tim McGraw
It seems to me that those songs that have been any good, I have nothing much to do with the writing of them. The words have just crawled down my sleeve and come out on the page. --Joan Baez
A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing --Marilyn Monroe
I don't believe makeup and the right hairstyle alone can make a woman beautiful. The most radiant woman in the room is the one full of life and experience. --Sharon Stone
Beauty is a radiance that originates from within and comes from inner security and strong character. --Jane Seymour
We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. --Tim McGraw
Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot. --Clint Eastwood
I wasn't as smart then as I am now. But who ever is? --Tina Turner
Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather read a book. --Madonna (1958-) US singer, actress in Q Magazine (London), Jun 1991.
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can. --Danny Kaye Actor
Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real. --Tupac Shakur
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. --Charles Barkley on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating
They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind. --Cindy Crawford
I love the confidence that makeup gives me. --Tyra Banks
Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it. --Cindy Crawford
Wait, I just remembered something! You're boring and my legs work. --David Spade as Finch on Just Shoot Me
It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference. --Tom Brokaw
Well, the moral of this story, The moral of this song Is simply that one should never be Where one does not belong And if you see your neighbor carrying something, Help him with his load And don't go mistaking paradise For that home across the road --Bob Dylan The Ballad of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest
In a 'USA Today' interview, Vanna White said since her son has been born, she wants to work less. Vanna, you turn *tiles* for a living. If you worked any less, you'd be the triangle player in the 'K.C. and the Sunshine Band.' --Dennis Miller
Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks. --Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) Forrest Gump
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. --Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) Forrest Gump
Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause it's too hard to fit 'Oil and Petro-Refinery State' on a license plate. --Sandra Bullock Miss Congeniality
True love can not be found where it does not truely exist; nor can it be hidden where it does. --David Schwimmer Kissing a Fool
Macho does not prove mucho. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay? --Dennis Miller American comedian
The good, the bad, hardship, joy, tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one indescribable whole that one calls life. You cannot separate the good from the bad, and perhaps there is no need to do so. --Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis
Heroes are people who rise to the occasion and slip quietly away. --Tom Brokaw
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. --Cher
I still feel like I gotta prove something. There are a lot of people hoping I fail. But I like that. I need to be hated. --Howard Stern .
"Iíve never dated. Iíve always just had boyfriends. And I guess Iím pretty lucky because, from what I understand, dating sucks. Although it seems like itís pretty good for stories. Sometimes I think people date just so they can have a good story to tell about the loser they went out with once."
- Famke Janssen,
"I believe I was born to breed."
- Catherine Zeta Jones
"There are no small parts. Only small actors."
- Ginger Rogers
"I was a teenager, walking around in those skirts. There was definitely some good girl/bad girl going on."
- Marisa Petroro
"Iím no expert on men. In fact, I donít know a single woman who could call herself that. Because you guys are the most difficult species to understand! I donít care if youíre Latin, Chinese, German, Alaskan, whatever you guys are impossible to figure out."
"In southern Spain, they made me eat a bullís testicles. They were really garlicky, which I donít like. I prefer to take a bull by the horns, not by, um..."
- Padma Lakshmi
"My mother called me after one of the first episodes of MTVís Loveline and said, ĎSo, when did you become so knowledgeable about oral sex?í "
- Catherine McCord
"Iíve been told Iím naturally sexy, but I try not to play it up. Itís gotten me into so much trouble. I wind up attracting the wrong people. Itís broken my heart a couple times, all because I was too sexy."
- Natassia Malthe
"I feel like I'm in therapy. I've been afraid of getting married, afraid of having children, afraid of even accepting a film because it meant I've got to stick around and be there for the amount of time it took to do the film."
"I really like rats. I actually took one of the rats home, but my mom made me give it back. I like snakes, too. Fluffy little things frighten me."
- Angelina Jolie
Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.
I believe that everything that you do bad comes back to you. So everything that I do that's bad, I'm going to suffer from it. But in my mind, I believe what I'm doing is right. So I feel like I'm going to heaven.
Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger wouldn't let me feel for a stranger.
You know it's funny when it rains it pours They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor
I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think it's time to kill for our women, time to heal our women, be real to our women.
Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots.
The key to immortality is first to live a life worth remembering.
A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.
Do not run away; let go. Do not seek, for it will come when least expected.
Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash! Be water, my friend.
Artless Art is the artistic process within the artist : it's meaning is art of the soul
Truth has no path. Truth is living and, therefore, changing.
George Bush Quotes
"I think there were some differences, there's no question, and will still be. We're talking about a major, major situation here that requires constant work. But it was well worth it and there's much more to it than just this - I mean just these sixteen accomplishments or whatever: I mean, we've got a major rapport - relationship of economics, major in the security, and all of that, we should not lose sight of."
--1/10/92 to reporters, on his trip to Japan
"Please don't look at the part of the glass that is only half full."
"No you're not going to see me stay put... I am not going to forsake my responsibilities. You may not see me put as much - I mean, un-put as much"
"You cannot be president of the United States of you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for - don't cry for me, Argentina."
"I think I've got to do better in making clear what the message is, and I think I can do better. But I think there's so much noise out there that I've got to figure out how to make it clearer that we are for the things that I have advocated that would help."
"Your dedication and tireless work with the hostage thing, with Central America, really give me cause for great pride in you and thanks. Get some turkey, George Bush."
-- Vice President George Bush in a written expression of gratitude to Oliver North, circa Thanksgiving 1985. Read by North during his interview with Ted Koppel on "Nightline," 10/22/91
"I don't want to just sit here blaming Congress. I mean, we're all in this together."
-President Bush, 11/20/91 to news anchor Bill Stuart of KCNC-TV, Denver.
"I think the Congress should be blamed."
--several minutes later, to Warner Saunders of WMAQ-TV, Chicago.
"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground. 'If.' Too hypothetical."
"And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys - about how to work the telephone. One guy knows - several of them know their own phone numbers - preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day."
-- January 21, at a Head Start center in Catonsville, Maryland
"The guy over there at Pease - a woman actually - she said something about a country-western song about the train, a light at the end of the tunnel... I only hope it's not a train coming the other way. Well, I said to her, well, I'm a country music fan. I love it, always have. Doesn't fit the mold of some of the columnists, I might add, but nevertheless - of what they think I ought to fit in, but I love it. You should have been with me at the c.m.a. awards at Nashville. But nevertheless, I said to them there's another one that the Nitty Ditty Nitty Gritty Great Bird - and it says if you want to see a rainbow you've got to stand a little rain. We've had a little rain. New Hampshire has had too much rain."
"And so I do understand New Hampshire because I have this wonderfully warm feeling that New Hampshire feels exactly the way we do on these questions of family values and faith. Somebody said to me, we prayed for you over there. That was not just because I threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan, either. Where was he when I needed him? I said, let me tell you something. And I say this - I don't know whether any ministers from the episcopal church are here - I hope so. But I said to him this: You're on to something here. You cannot be President of the United States if you don't have faith. It's been great. I'll go back to Washington all fired up for tomorrow and tackle the President or the Prime Minister of this or the Governor of that coming in. But I'll have this heartbeat..."
"You're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you and I am now fillibustering."
"I see this glass not half-empty, but half-full and more."
"Ours is a great state, and we don't like limits of any kind. Ricky Clunn is one of the great bass fishermen. He's a Texas young guy, and he's a very competitive fisherman, and he talked about learning to fish wading in the creeks behind his dad. He in his underwear went wading in the creeks behind his father, and he said - as a fisherman he said it's great to grow up in a country with no limits..."
"Somebody - somebody asked me, what's it take to win? I said to them, I can't remember, what does it take to win the Super Bowl? Or maybe Steinbrenner, my friend George, will tell us what it takes for the Yanks to win - one run. But I went over to the Strawberry Festival this morning, and ate a piece of shortcake over there - able to enjoy it right away, and once I completed it, it didn't have to be approved by Congress - I just went ahead and ate it - and that leads me into what I want to talk to you about today..."
--March 4, at a fund-raising lunch in Tampa, Florida
Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the american dream?
You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Hello? Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michaelmelangelo?
Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Ahh, Beer! My one weakness...my Achilles Heel, if you will...
Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...
Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the 'Enrich Your Wordpower' section. I think it's really...really... really...good.
Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh...
You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else..
Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different...
Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!
Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English
Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people
Donuts...is there anything they CAN'T do?
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV...is.
Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.
Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way.
What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.
I hope I didn't brain my damage.
Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dog with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.
The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Trying is the first step towards failure.
What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!
Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.
I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks?
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do: smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair.
I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Why would anyone want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?